My thing about writing or blogging is that I end up writing about things I didn’t remember. I always had many thoughts in the moment.. But it’s also in those moments that I don’t have access to my phone or a paper or something to write them down. Additionally my thoughts run through my head much quicker than my speed of writing and my memory somehow just pushed them out for new ones… But I’m going to try to do better in the future.
I thought I wanted to share that these past 3 months of unemployment has been a roller coaster ride of mental struggles and sometimes freedom. The constant flashbacks of what I could have done better if I stepped away from doing what’s right and let it be, refrained from showing my true expressions of disagreements and realized that my voice doesn’t have a place or value on the team and organization. How I could have done better to respect their boundaries when my boundaries were invaded because I needed to validate their rights to do it… I’m only a mid level person in the company… What would my experiences and voice be a value of??
These drove feelings of loneliness, indescribable fear and insecurity, panic attacks I called out sick halfway through.. These drove thoughts of un-worthiness, un-deserving, never good enough.. As days pass, I’d cry, I’d laugh, I’d get angry… Job rejections weren’t easy to handle.. The offers I’d received weren’t the ones I’d wanted right now.. The jobs that I’d wanted were on freeze or for future hires.. It just wasn’t my timing at all.
Would I have changed anything? I don’t know, but I still would stand up against something unfair, but I would have probably dealt with it differently. I’d been sexually harassed, bullied, condescended, discriminated by many people all through from childhood to workplace, I could be a better person than them. I would have dealt with it in a much more adult and mature way than their childish acts. I could have called out every single action of discrimination and threats my past organization has done, but time will reveal their acts. They weren’t worthy of my voice… With so many recent events, I can only pray that God had their hearts convicted of their actions, just as I did mine.
I am an Asian. I am a female. I AM a Minority in this United States of America. I cannot change the color of my skin and my gender and I wouldn’t do it to fit into the narratives of White superiority, because I can’t. There’s no way I could. I’d used to want it for my next life because of the media portrayal of beauty. I used to try to be more open minded and talk more like them but I didn’t feel great having to change myself to be someone that’s not me.. But having been through what I’d been through here in the past 12 years, I would still choose to be the same person as I am right now.
But there is one thing that I’m going to hold myself accountable for : THERAPY…
Yes I’d needed it long long time ago. I was just terrified to do it. I was terrified to share my thoughts and what I’d done or had wanted to do. It also meant that something was wrong with me. So God help me in finding one who is willing and able to help me.